


I'd give up forever to touch you

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Agender Character, Fluff and Angst, Genderfluid Character, M/M, Multi, Reincarnation, Soulmates, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-14 14:37:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4568214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim Kirk was exhausted, he'd spent decades upon decades enduring this continued existence. It was beginning to feel like a curse. The woman had promised they would be free one day, when 'their souls are no longer bound by mortality'. Whatever the hell that meant.<br/>This lifetime wasn't pleasant, and he just wished he would find his other half, whoever they were this time.<br/>It was quite the surprise when his soulmate turned out to be a half-Vulcan instructor who seemed to loathe Jim on sight.</p><p>03/09/15 Update - Currently on Hiatus</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is the result of listening to Alt. Rock music at 2am in the darkness of your bedroom, and it's basically based off the Fallen series by Lauren Kate.  
> Also, I got most of the past life names and information off wikipedia and baby name websites (cause they obviously weren't gonna be reincarnated in the same country each time) but if anything is incorrect and/or offensive, please tell me so I can rectify it.

**George Kirk Memorial Shipyard, Iowa, 2255**

Jim Kirk had met many people like Christopher Pike along the course of his several lifetimes, although it was the first time it's happened in this one. 

It was the usual spiel about trying to save him from some miserable life and get him on the 'better track'. Jim didn't particularly care about a better life, survival was all that mattered to him, everything else was just used to pass the time until he found them again. Or they found him. 

So it was quite surprising to find himself actually considering Pike's offer about Starfleet. It wouldn't be the first time Jim was involved in the military. He enjoyed travelling to new places, and space would certainly offer him more undiscovered territory than Earth could. 

Also, Starfleet brought in a lot of diverse characters, one of whom might be them. 

Jim quickly pulled the break on his bike as the Shipyard came into view. And standing like a beacon above it was the  _Enterprise._ It was the second most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, all sleek curves and shiny silver plating. Even though she was clearly incomplete, Jim's breath still caught at the sight of her. He wanted her. That was the ship he wanted to take him across the Universe, discovering new planets, meeting new species, the whole shebang. 

Jim found himself smiling at her, maybe Starfleet was a good idea. It would certainly be an interesting way to pass the time at least. 

And who was he to turn down a challenge?

 

* * *

 

**Starfleet Academy, Assembly Hall, San Francisco, 2258**

Jim was willing to admit he'd probably fucked up pretty badly with the whole cheating on the Kobayashi Maru thing. But the whole idea of a no-win scenario pissed him off, his whole existence was based off beating that no-win situation. After all, wasn't death the ultimate no-win scenario? He'd bet that plently of times, coming back again and again just to face it once he found who he wanted.

Even this curse of reincarnation could be considered a no-win to some, who would want to live repeatedly to find their soulmate in each life, even though they didn't remember them, and it would kill them when they finally did? Of course, the curse wasn't forever, the woman had made that quite clear. Although, Jim still didn't understand the whole 'not bound by mortality bit'. That didn't matter, there would be a time when he could love without fear of the fire that followed.

Jim shook the thought away as he reached the podium, he could practically feel Bones's glare trying to dig a hole through his skull as he kept his face forward. It wasn't that much of a surprise he got caught cheating, he'd been pretty blatant in his defeat of the programme. 

"Is there anything you wish to say before we begin, Cadet?" 

"Yes," Jim replied, keeping his voice steady, "I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly."

The Admiral nodded to someone, Jim turned to see who it was. It was a Vulcan instructor. Black hair with pointed ears and upturned brows made that clear, they straightened out their uniform as they stood and walked down to the opposite podium. Jim watched them descend the steps, there was something about them that sent a current of nervous energy through Jim's nerves. Like an irritable itch. 

"This is Commander Spock, he is one of our most distinguished graduates. He has programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the past four years." 

Jim looked him over again, he was closer now which gave Jim the opportunity to notice details he hadn't seen before. He was clean shaven with no sign of stubble, his uniform didn't have a crease in sight. Then Jim made the mistake of eye contact. 

_Oh no._

Jim inhaled deeply and turned away, of all the people to be, it was the guy accusing Jim of academic dishonesty. And there was no mistaking who it was, Jim would recognize those brown eyes anywhere or when. And no one else could make Jim feel this way. Like someone had cut him open to relieve a build up of pressure, managing to be both painful and a relief. 

"Commander," the Admiral prompted, dragging Jim back to the present. 

"Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming, therefore changing the conditions of the test," his voice was cool, and his gaze stayed focused on the Admirals in front of them. Jim could see Salina in the controlled expression, the one she wore in front of her audience as she played the violin. And Steve was in the stiff military posture, the same as it had been in front of their commanding officers at training camp. 

"Your point being?" Jim asked, playing up the usual lazy defiance to hopefully cover up that he was freaking the fuck out. 

"In academic vernacular, you cheated," the Admiral cut in, kind of pointlessly considering everyone and their mother knew Jim cheated on the test by this point.

"Let me ask you something, that I think we would all like the answer to, the test itself is a cheat isn't it?" Jim retorted, and noticing Spock's frown, added, "I mean, you programmed it to be unwinnable."

"Your argument precludes the possibility of a no-win scenario."

"I don't believe in no-win scenarios." Pike had recruited him based on his current father not believing in them. The whole concept of a no-win scenario made people surrender, something Jim wasn't prone to doing. 

"Then not only did you violate the rules, you failed to understand the principal lesson," Spock's voice was dripping in that familiar condescending tone, the one that practically screamed that he thought he was speaking to an idiot. At least Salina had the circumstances of her birth as an excuse, her parents had raised her to believe nobility meant superiority. This guy was just being an asshole.

"Please, enlighten me," Jim said, actually grateful for Spock's attitude. It reminded him of the things he found annoying about his soulmate. It would make getting through this hearing a lot easier. 

"You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk, a captain cannot cheat death." Apparently this incarnation was a lot crueler than the previous ones, then again, Vulcans were known for being unfeeling bastards. Jim couldn't help but wonder why fate would choose for his soulmate to be reincarnated into this guy, he knew the way they were raised often caused some differences, but usually their core personality was the same. 

"I of all people?" 

"Your father," Spock clarified, like Jim actually needed it, like he hadn't had to suffer the comparison all this life, "Lieutenant George Kirk assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?"

Maybe he was wrong, it had occurred before when he met Svetlana's twin, but the reaction had never been that strong. He was possibly just doomed to deal with a soulmate that hated him and was kind of a dick for this lifetime. He'd dealt with worse, and at least society had mostly moved past their homophobic tendencies. 

"I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test," Jim said sharply, none of Spock's previous selves had liked criticism, or being bested at something they favored either. 

"Furthermore," Spock continued, as though there had been no interruption, "you have failed to define the purpose of the test."

"Enlighten me again," Jim said, no longer bothering to hold back his sarcastic tone. Christ, he forgot how infuriating they could be at times, and Spock was taking it to the max.

"The purpose is to experience fear, fear in the face of certain death, to accept that fear and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet Captain."

Jim almost laughed aloud at that, he'd died plenty of times, he had the damn customer loyalty card for dying. He didn't see how throwing a bunch of kids with no experience into the deep end was going to help them control their fear, he'd heard the stories of kids dropping out of command after their Kobayashi Maru test. People need hope that there is even the slightest possibility of their survival, otherwise they just gave up without a fight. The Kobayashi Maru just crushed that hope.

Murmuring broke through the crowd, cutting Jim off before he could reply. An instructor walked in with a PADD and headed straight for the Admiral who took it with a slight frown. Jim watched the man as he read it, a look of alarm crossing his face at whatever message the PADD contained. 

The Admiral then looked up, with a grim expression as he spoke, "We've recieved a distress call from Vulcan. With our primary fleet engaged in the Laurentian system, I hereby order all cadets to report to hanger one immediately. Dismissed."

Jim stayed at the podium as the cadets began to file out, Spock quickly cutting between them as he headed off to the hanger bay. McCoy arrived a moment later, slapping Jim's lower back, reminding him to start moving.

At least the day couldn't possibly get worse.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim was very wrong.

The day could get worse. And he wasn't just talking about being on this frozen hellscape of a planet. Even Russia hadn't been this cold. 

Vulcan had been destroyed, billions of people sucked into a black hole, including Spock's mother. And Spock, who had decided to ignore that Jim was his First Officer, chose to dismiss anyone who pointed out how stupid he was being by neck pinching them unconscious and sending them off the ship in an escape pod.  

Jim was starting to think that this whole day had filled his quota for being surprised in this life. A Klingon could come bursting out the snow in drag, and Jim would probably just accept it. 

Of course, it wasn't a Klingon that showed up. Instead it was a polar bear like creature that looked like it was stuck on the in-between stage of morphing into a baboon. A baboon with large fangs made for tearing flesh. Shit. 

Sprinting across the frozen ground hadn't been in Jim's plan of finding help, but he doubted the polar bear-baboon lovechild was coming up for a friendly chat. Then again, the large, red crab creature that broke through the surface and swallowed the thing whole didn't look like a better option.

The crab snarled at Jim, opening the gaping maw to reveal several rows of razor sharp teeth that didn't suggest a vegetarian diet. Jim took one look at that mouth, promptly started screaming, and ran in the opposite direction. And Bones said he lacked self-preservation. 

Although, it wasn't just self-preservation. Jim knew that if Spock died, he would too, but he didn't know how it would be in reverse. It had always been Spock's previous incarnations to die first, taking Jim with them in that fiery blaze of heat and destruction, even when he wasn't in close proximity. Jim didn't want Spock to die, even if this version was a major dick. 

Jim sprinted for the first cave he saw, nerves tingling as he ran through, trying to think of something that would get rid of the beast. He then slammed onto the cave floor face first as something long and slimy wrapped around his ankle. Jim twisted round, kicking at the creature's tongue with his other foot. The creature then recoiled, cowering back from a figure wielding a flaming torch. The person then turned, revealing themselves to Jim.

It was a Vulcan male, an elderly one with achingly familiar brown eyes. 

"James T. Kirk," the Vulcan announced, staring at him. 

"Excuse me?" Jim asked, bleary and confused. He wondered if his body had reached it's limit of amount of surprising things it could handle within a 12 hour period. Because this guy gave him a slightly muted version of the tingly, painful and relieved recognition of his soulmate. Who he'd already met. And he doubted this guy was Spock's twin. 

"How did you find me?" the Vulcan demanded, like Jim had willingly searched for him and hadn't stumbled upon him by accident. A very confusing accident. 

"How do you know my name," Jim countered, scrambling to his feet to try and regain some sense of normalcy, and unable to help himself, added, "Are you related to Spock?"

The Vulcan actually looked confused for a moment before a look of realization crossed his face, "No, I am not related to your soulmate." 

He had an unreadable look on his face, and his voice had been pained, yet yearning. It was, Jim thought, the same way he felt when he thought about his soulmate. 

"Who are you," Jim asked warily.

"I am Spock."

Jim stared at him incredulously, open mouthed and silent. He couldn't think of any way to reply to that, the Vulcan seemed to sense this however as he went on to confirm Spock's - the younger version - theory about Nero being from an alternate universe, the same universe this guy was from apparently.

"But you're so-," Jim cut himself off, trying to figure out a way to phrase his question. Elder Spock was old, and aware of the curse, and was still alive. Jim felt a flutter of hope in his chest, this could mean that this was his last life. That he wasn't going to have to endure more lives waiting for the moment the curse could be broken. It could be broken in this one.

"Old?" Elder Spock finished, "Yes, the curse can be removed in this life."

"How? The only thing that's different is that you're a Vulcan!" Jim cried, "Wait, has it got something to do with you being a Vulcan? Tell me."

"I cannot," Elder Spock said regretfully, "I'm afraid this is something you must discover for yourself. Now come, we must get you back to the Enterprise."

Jim followed him, he might be irritated by not having his questions answered, but now he knew the curse was going to be lifted, he was hopeful everything was going to be okay. 

Even if this universe's Spock was an ass. 


	3. Chapter 3

_**Glasgow Green Park, Glasgow, 2020** _

_"I can't believe you punched that guy," Julia laughed, wrapping an arm around Sarah's waist. It had been amusing to watch her barely five-foot girlfriend swing her fist at a guy almost twice her size._

_"He was insulting you," Sarah said plainly, rubbing her knuckles absently, "And he did not listen to reason, it was reasonable to assume physical violence would get the point across."_

_"Of course," Julia said mock seriously, walking her girlfriend across the grass, "Just remind me to never piss you off."_

* * *

 

 

**Present**

Jim recalled that particular day centuries ago, it had been the first life they could be open about the true nature of their relationship and feelings. No more hiding behind being 'just friends', not that people hadn't had their suspicions. It had been those suspicions that had lead to this curse in the first place. 

Of course, Jim had never wanted to ever upset or anger his soulmate. And he had, reluctantly, done both. Sure, having helped kill the guy who destroyed your planet would probably make you pretty forgiving towards them, but Jim still had to apologize for what he did. 

Although, Jim thought, hiding out in the observation room wasn't going to be helpful with that. He pushed himself off the floor, from where he had been staring out into space, and headed for the door to go find his Acting First. 

"Speak of the devil," he mumbled, stopping short as the door opened and Spock walked through. 

"Pardon?"

"Uh, nothing. Why are you here? I thought you had the conn for Alpha shift."

Spock raised an eyebrow, "Alpha Shift was completed 5.6 minutes ago, Jim."

"Oh, okay, actually I'm glad you're here, I have something to say to you."

Spock's brows lowered into a frown, but he willingly sat when Jim gestured for him to. Jim sat next to him on the cushioned bench, tapping his knee nervously. He was trying to think of a way to explain he hadn't wanted to insult Spock without giving away Elder Spock's existence. He was not going to be the cause of the universe's end just after saving the world.

"I'm sorry, for what I said on the bridge about your mother," Jim said eventually, "it was unnecessary for me to bring her up, and I shouldn't have."

Spock nodded, "I too apologize for what I did."

"You mean Delta Vega?" Jim asked, "It doesn't matter Spock, I mean I was pissed, but I understand. You just lost your planet, your mom. I probably would have done something similar."

"Yes, I was speaking of jettisoning you onto Delta Vega, however it was also unnecessary for me to mention your father during the academic hearing," Spock seemed to hesitate for a moment before adding, "There is a possibility that I was displeased by you being able to change my computer code for the Kobayashi Maru."

"Don't feel too bad," Jim laughed, "I've spent a lot of years practicing computer coding." 

"It did not mention you taking computing science classes in your student file," Spock argued.

"Recreationally," Jim lied quickly. It wasn't a complete lie, but he couldn't exactly say he'd been a hacktivist in a past life without being sent for a psych exam. 

Spock nodded, and stood, "I shall be leaving now, Jim. I was merely looking for a quiet place to meditate."

"I was just leaving anyway," Jim said quickly, going to leave before the other half of Spock's sentence registered, "You're having trouble with meditation?"

"My shields are disturbed, and I was unable to find sufficient rest in my quarters," Spock explained, looking stiff and uncomfortable. 

"I'll just leave then," Jim said, flashing Spock a quick smile before darting out the door, heart hammering in his chest.

It was too early for the memories to resurface, Jim reminded himself, it was just due to the mental trauma Spock had suffered. Spock's past incarnations hadn't started getting the dreams until several months after their meetings. He remembered their complaints of headaches and restless nights, 'odd dreams' a few of them had mentioned. 

* * *

 

**_Saint Petersburg, Russia, 1834_ **

_"I have been having such odd dreams," Svetlana murmured, lounging back on their shared bed, "Of plague and royalty, and you are there each time, my only constant."_

_"I'm flattered you dream of me," Jeanne replied easily, it was the only words she could manage to give with her heart suddenly clenching painfully in her chest. It was too soon, she thought, it was always too soon. They never had enough time. She never got to say the things she wished she could. That Svetlana hadn't been a royal, she had been born into an aristocratic family, and that the plague she dreamt of lead to this cursed existence._

* * *

 

**Present**

"It's not going to happen this time," Jim whispered to himself, Elder Spock was proof of that. He didn't care about any supposed changed destiny, Jim was going to make damn sure this was his last life.

He just had to figure out how to get rid of the damn curse. 


End file.
